A funny thing I will never do again, paraphrasing David Foster Wallace, is sneaking in incognito among the audience of Raiuno’s most popular show of the last 20 years to see Stefano De Martino up close, not so much because he is handsome (he is) but to understand how the 36-year-old from Torre Annunziata, until a few years ago “just” Belen’s ex-husband, is today the leading man of state TV, the golden goose and the next host of Sanremo. What I didn’t know is that being in the audience of Affari tuoi doesn’t allow you to sit quietly analyzing De Martino, but forces you to work, with chants, gestures to learn, little songs, applause, foot and hand claps, and various choreographies (there is also the Audience Animator in the room, a key figure along with the Audience Manager). Things I don’t even do at holiday resorts.
RELEASE FORMS, SIGNATURES, RULES
I arrive at the appointment at the studios on Viale Mecenate in Milan, where Affari tuoi is recorded, punctual but incomplete. I see people arriving with white glossy sheets in envelopes and realize I forgot the release form, that is the printed and signed document (in theory) to be handed over to production, where you basically give consent to show your image on the small screen. And panic sets in like when you don’t have your documents at the airport. A mature couple arrives, husband and wife, very well organized, with folders of printed release forms. “Excuse me, do you happen to have extra copies printed?” I ask them. No. I head towards three ladies also very precise. I ask the same question. “No, sorry,” one of them replies, “too bad, I left it in the car, but you’ll see, they will have more, who knows how many people forget it.”
It seems no one, judging by the surrounding flutter. Fans of De Martino arrive from everywhere. I overhear conversations. “I come from Induno, I took the train at Varese at 6, then we arrived at Forlanini and from here 5 minutes by bus.” “Before Affari Tuoi I was in the audience of X Factor and Catalan (Alessandro Cattelan, ed.).” “I from Chiambretti.” Rumor has it (unconfirmed) that people over 65 and minors, even if accompanied, cannot participate. The wait grows. We are in line waiting to be seated in the studio. They let people in groups of ten/fifteen because you don’t sit randomly: there is a thorough organization. The Audience Manager, in fact, places people in front or back based on various criteria. Finally, I make my entrance, they make us stand facing forward like Soliti Ignoti. “You here, you there.” The criteria are physical appearance, elegance, color of the dress, alternating man and woman, whether you are alone or in a group. It goes without saying that a young woman in an evening dress sits in front and a man dressed very badly sits in the back… I immediately notice two ladies over eighty sitting in the last row. As a woman, I wonder: where will they place me? Clearly, self-esteem is at stake. Third row, not bad. As I am alone, I am used as a joker, to cover this or that gap: on television, in fact, an empty seat looks very bad. Remarkably, the Audience Manager sees me and points at me: “You have been nominated.” And he places me in the front row. Huge ego. Next to me, there is a lady from the South about seventy, dressed very folkloristic (I have a black jacket and white banker’s shirt): they move her and seat her nephew next to me. The rule is indeed to alternate a man and a woman.
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My mission to discover De Martino’s secrets is in a safe place, I think, because in the front row I will be a few centimeters from him and the famous Lato B, also the subject of a fabulous parody by the Gialappi. The Audience Manager gives one last look at the audience to check the overall color effect. We are ordered to hide clutches or cell phones, which must be turned off, because they would look bad on TV.
NO STANDING UP OR TURNING AROUND
From now on no one can stand up for two hours, the time it takes to record two episodes of the package show. Now it’s the turn of the Audience Animation Manager, named Veronica. We have to applaud on time, she says, and does a rehearsal to the notes of Banane Lamponi by Gianni Morandi which accompanies the rehearsals of the dancer Martina Miliddi. I am a bit embarrassed, but then it passes. The first signs of impatience from the ladies in the room begin, who, ok, the dancer is good, but “we want Stefanoooooo!!”. The Animation Manager continues: “Please, smile, don’t look at the camera on the right but in front. The audience of Affari tuoi is special: they clap hands, stomp feet, do choreographies. If the package is blue you shout ‘ooooooooh yeah’, if the package is red ‘ooooooh noooo’. When I say ‘mandra’ shout ‘mantra mantra mantra’, then when Tommasino, the dog, enters, there is Tommasino’s song. Anyway, do like this, with one eye look forward and with one look at me.” Valtur Village but without the sea. Finally, here he comes. Stefano. White shirt, dark tight pants on the hips, tanned, tattoos peeking from the sleeves, dark eyes, perfect nose, prominent cheekbones, full lips. The ladies love him and would want him as their daughters’ boyfriend, the daughters are also fine with him as a lover, men envy him because they would like to be him. He is liked across the board like Berlusconi was. He is nice, jokes with everyone, is affectionate with the staff, gives pats and smiles, adores Herbert Ballerina, the comedian. In Affari tuoi – which every evening competes with Gerry Scotti’s La Ruota della Fortuna on Canale 5 – he hosts calmly, empathetically, never over the top. He is warm, they say on TV, or “broad”: meaning national-popular, the opposite for example of Alessandro Cattelan, who is narrow and snobbish. The fact that the protagonist of the episode (aired on September 17) is a beautiful girl adds even more spice to the game. All of Italy glued to the game that gives away lots of money, up to the final package. The one that makes you rejoice or disappoint. Every night, since there is Stefano.
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